Every couple has pet names for each other. One of my wife’s farvorite names for me is Eeyore. And before you go getting all offended over how callous that sounds, she is right. The state of mind I live in is much like A.A. Milne’s description of Eeyore’s home in the Hundred Acre Wood, Eeyore’s Gloomy Place – Rather Boggy and Sad.
I don’t know why I have chosen this gloomy, rather boggy and sad place to live. But, here I am, in classic Eeyore monotone saying “I’ll never amount to anything, this is as good as it gets for me.” “It doesn’t matter what I do, no one cares what a gloomy old donkey has to say.”
And yet, here I am on a blog telling people what it feels like to live with depression. I have depression, I have no doubts. What I don’t have is the good sense to get the treatment to fix it. It’s a fear thing, it’s listening to that little voice in the back of my head that says “If you go to the doctor and he gives you a pill to fix your brain chemistry, you will never be able to stop taking that pill, because really, you aren’t sick, you’re just weak.”And,”All you really need to do is quit moping around and do something with your life. You are depressed because you want to be depressed, you are playing the “Woe is me” martyr card.”
I am finding out a lot about those voices. “OK, Jim, what are the voices telling you?” – the orderly at the mental ward asks. Just kidding. Jon Acuff, in his book Start talks a lot about how fear is one of those voices. Fear tells us that life is safer living in average, fear tells us that any new venture we set out on must be accomplished with perfection and mastery of the task, fear tells us that we are the only one who has these thoughts and doubts, don’t risk it, you’ll just get hurt. The truth is, and I am finding it to be more and more true, I am not alone. There are a lot of people with far worse situations, my fears and insecurities pale in comparison to some. Humans aren’t perfect, no one learned to ride a bike without skinning his knees more than once. Figure out what you did wrong and try again. A turtle moves slow, but he never gets anywhere without sticking his neck out.